I have been telling people lately that I am stuck. In all areas of my life. My finances are stuck, my relationships are stuck, my writing is stuck, my personal growth is stuck. I am not feeling particularly inspired to make any drastic changes or efforts in any of these areas. I am feeling inspired to let them all be as they are for now and rest and follow energy when and how it does appear in the small doses it is presenting itself currently.
The language of “I’m stuck” doesn’t feel good to me. It’s not peaceful because I know it’s not true. I am resting and peaceful and becoming more consistently in alignment and mostly content…and that is very different than being stuck. There isn’t much happening on the outside for me right now, and the inside is in constant motion. It’s like my heart is being defragmented. Have you ever run the defrag function on your PC and watched the blocks move around and reposition themselves? That’s what it feels like to me on the inside right now. Nothing is really being changed, or removed or added, just rearranged and realigned for efficiency so that when I am ready to start moving again in the external world, I can move with as much ease and grace as possible.
Some things are definitely coming up for me to manage…specifically in terms of relationships. Some are growing and deepening and more are fading away. There are ways of relating to people that I have engaged in for decades that no longer feel right for me, and that causes changes and rubs with some people who have known me for decades and have become accustomed to the ways I used to allow myself to be treated when I didn’t believe I deserved time, attention, and an opportunity to be heard. There are new people I am meeting who are only seeing me as I value myself today. I am really enjoying watching how others react to me and watching myself be more consistently comfortable and peaceful as the woman I am now. There are a few relationships that are only a couple of years old and I believe they are experiencing me as somewhat unpredictable as I oscillate between who I was when they met me and who I am today (which is of course still evolving). Even more important than how “they” are experiencing me is how I am experiencing myself…and I am also perceiving myself as somewhat unpredictable right now. The funny thing is, I am only unpredictable in that I am more and more consistently different than I used to be. Less and less am I willing to hide and remain anonymous and invisible. It’s not happening overnight, it’s taking what feels like a very long time in fact, but it is happening. And it is not nearly as terrifying as I imagined it to be.
I am not stuck, or complacent. I am cultivating a more consistent level of Heart Peace with ALL the circumstances of my life as they are. And so because I am accepting things as they are, I am not pushing to change them as often and intensely as I once did. I am allowing things to unfold more in their own time and way (sometimes I still try to take control and push my own ideas along) and come when I need them and let them go when it is time for them to be released or changed.
Allowing myself to work inward and allowing this Heart Peace to become a more consistent companion can look like complacency or being stuck on the outside, even to myself. Because I said it out loud (thank you mighty companions for hearing me say it and allowing me to say it and not trying to tell me what was really going on), I got to feel my reaction to it and my reaction wasn’t peaceful, so I knew it wasn’t true. And now what has happened? By speaking something that felt true but wasn’t, I was able to recognize the lack of peace and feel into and find the peaceful truth. And the peaceful truth inspired me to write it down and share it! Grateful for the endless opportunities to learn and grow and share.
Heart Peace is not complacent. Sometimes it may look so on the surface because the waves of life aren’t breaking furiously and continuously. Heart Peace is deeper than those waves and the waves of life become more furious when I focus on them. Choosing to focus on the depth of Heart Peace calms the waves at the surface so they can ebb and flow without being destructive. This perspective feels peaceful, and so I choose it.
With love and Heart Peace, Kristen
Living Heart Peace 