How can I tell when I have REALLY changed?

This is an interesting question.  I am always looking for and hoping to see “evidence” of my personal growth and change.  I love experiencing my own development and appreciate any and every opportunity to bask in the glow of true change.  So how can I tell when I have REALLY changed?  There are several different ways that demonstrate true, deep, and lasting change for me.  One way is witnessing my reactions and responses in similar situations.  When my reactions to a similar stimulus are consistently different that they used to be, I know I have truly changed. The first time I have a different reaction or response, it is cause for celebration!  And when I watch myself have a different reaction repeatedly, I know the change has taken hold and I let the basking begin!

Another way I perceive my own true change is when my emotions are present and not overwhelming at difficult times and/or when being vulnerable.  Part of my expansion has involved getting more and more in touch with my feelings, ALL my feelings, and allowing them to come and go and be expressed.  I cry more now than I ever have in my life and it feels liberating to allow my tears to come when joyful, sad, proud, hurt, touched, frightened, and any other time they form in my eyes and wish to be released.  Most of my cries aren’t head hanging, sobbing, wailing sessions, like they used to be back in the days when I only cried because I couldn’t bear the emotional build up and repression any longer.  Most of my cries these days are tears rolling down my cheeks, with a smile on my face and an open heart.  I cry now at church because I feel so much love there, I cry when my daughter’s capacity to care for and about others shines through her eyes, I cry when a friend tells me her heart has been broken, I cry when my own heart breaks again and again and again at the way we humans treat each other, I cry when I am afraid of loss or rejection, I cry when I miss someone I love who has passed away or simply chosen to leave my life (years, even decades, later I still miss them and cry).  I used to perceive tears as weakness and a loss of power or control over my life.  In part because I only let myself cry when I was at a breaking point.  Like so many things, I had it all backwards.  Tears are truth.  Tears are strength.  Emotions aren’t frightening or weak, emotions are what connect us to our own heart and to others.  So now, when I cry, I feel so much gratitude and peace that I am strong and safe enough to allow my tears to come and fall freely.  These emotions feel safe for me now and I enjoy the feeling of tears rolling down my cheeks and most especially the feeling of light and peace inside after I have allowed them to fall.

The final way I know my changes are real that I want to write about today is when I can peacefully tell the truth, especially a difficult or painful truth.  I have not been a big liar in my life.  Of course I have lied, and felt the pain to myself and others caused by lies I have told, but it hasn’t been my default response.  What was my default response, for a very very long time, was withholding MY deeper truth.  When telling a story, or answering a question, I would be honest on a very superficial level and withhold the deeper truth underneath.  For example, when someone would ask me how I was doing after my divorce, I would honestly tell them “I am fine”.  What I didn’t share was that I was still healing my heart, that my capacity to trust felt irreparably damaged, that while my daughter was my greatest joy I was exhausted caring for and supporting her on my own as much as I was, AND that I was fine and would find my way through the struggles to the joy on the other side.

Last week, I was having tea and catching up with a dear friend and had the opportunity to experience a moment of true change in myself.  This woman and I have grown very close over the years and we inspire and nourish each other’s heart and provide each other a safe loving environment in which to share deeply.  It is not uncommon for one or both of us to have rolling tears as we share.  Toward the end of our conversation she asked me if there was a consistent way I judged myself or beat myself up in my life.  Without skipping a beat, I said “My body.  I used to live life feeling so obviously and fatally flawed because of my weight that I believed I had to be outstanding in every other possible way to ‘make up for’ being so hideous and broken.”  She asked me a few clarifying questions and I further responded with “I used to feel like I could never make a single mistake because I already had 2 strikes against me and any minor mistake made me completely worthless.”  We went on to talk some more and she asked if I still feel that way.  I truthfully shared “No, I don’t.  It creeps in now and again, but very rarely, and when it does I know it is not true.”

This was a miraculous exchange for me!  Not only did I reveal a deep dark inner secret that no one has ever known about me before, it came out naturally.  It came out peacefully.  There was no fear of loss or judgment, no feeling of wanting to hide, no emotional outburst, no regret a week later, no half truth, no self criticism for revealing too much.  This is an example for me of REAL change!  I am feeling genuinely safe, and peaceful, and free to be and share all of myself.  I trust myself.  I know who I am and I am not judging myself for it.  And…the cherry on top of it all…I am writing about it!  Yes, there are a few tears falling on my keyboard now, AND there is a smile on my face and my heart is open.